"Finally getting what I deserve..."

That's such as horrible thing to say isn't it? This can bring positive things, I guess. But the one time in my life I have ever heard that said was by my sister. I don't often talk about her because it is very painful. I never knew siblings could be so jealous of each other. I had a sister that was four years older. I looked up to her, I wanted to be just like her. Okay, I guess I idolized her. I didn't know that she was always jealous of ME. I only found this out about a year ago. By this point in my life, my sister had been dead for 8 years. I was estranged from my family for 11 years when she passed. I had just lost 2 grandparents and a sister within 6 months and just had my first child (soon to find out my only possible child and by no fault of my own). She died after battling Cancer for about 10 years (this going on the whole time I was away and I had no clue). When I did find out, I was pregnant. But I was willing to help even without seeing anybody from my immediate family. We had not reconciled yet, but I had recently become close to some cousins again. I offered to have my bone marrow tested as that is what she desperately needed. I was a likely candidate being her sister. However, when she was approached regarding this matter her answer was: "I am finally getting what I deserve now that she's not around". She said she didn't want to "owe" me anything. My falling out with my family was actually with my parents over my now husband not fitting into their "mold". Nothing to do with her. So why was she so angry with me, I didn't get it. I was only 18 when I was thrown out of my house. I wasn't aware of any problems between the two of us. But what a horrible thing to say, isn't it? Anyway...she passed within the year. So...did she finally get what she deserved?
There is a saying, "God don't like ugly". Is that why things went the way they did? To this day I cringe whenever I hear the phrase "finally getting what I deserve". Be careful in what you say, things can be interpreted in many ways.

The "awesome thirties"...I have really found myself...

So people think that turning thirty is getting old. The numbers never bothered me. I actually have enjoyed the thirties, the latter half being the best part. I feel 35 was the biggest turning point for me. All of a sudden everything began to fall into place. I know what I want, have no problem saying it and don't hesitate in going after it. This applies to just about every part of my life. I even became more health conscious, less stressed and eager to try new things. And sex...wow...that changes too. I thought I couldn't possibly enjoy it more than I already was, but was I ever wrong!!! You become so much more aware of you and your partner's likes and dislikes. Your more sensual and experimental. You go after what you like, no holds barred. You finally have come into yourself and are enjoying every minute of life. What could possibly be better? Maybe the forties? One can only hope as I only have this year left in the thirties. I cannot wait to see what I become in that decade.

Watch what you say. Things have a way of coming back and biting us in the...

You never say things like "My child will never do that" or "I would never allow that to happen to me". Fate is a funny thing, you are bound to hear, see or become what you claim will never be. For example, We had a friend that used to call her child "the poster child for Ritalin" and we jokingly agreed. Eventually the child was always referred to as that. Mostly by his mother, but occasionally by us. Even though it was extremely accurate, it was definitely not a nice thing to say. Well, to make a long story short (not usually my style) my son has taken over this wonderful title and maintained it proudly since he was 5 years old (he is now 9 years old). We struggle every day like no one can understand unless you have a child with the same condition. It is not funny and it is extremely frustrating. My son works very hard along with us to make every day "age appropriate normal". It is a constant challenge and demands a lot of structure. Which is very time consuming I might add. So remember, be careful for ill things being said since fate has a funny way of placing it right back in your lap.

The Butterfly Effect

Did you ever wonder what life would be like if you changed just one event? This is something I am sure a lot of people wonder about. I know I have. Where would I be in life now had I done things differenly so many years ago? It is easy to look at things from your past and wonder what life would be like if things didn't happen the way they did. Would I be married to another man? Would I have a different career? Would I have more children or even would I still be living in the place that I grew up. Life could be totally different. The question is would I have changed anything that has happened in my past. Yes, there are a few things I think I would do differently. Wouldn't everybody? However, the most pivotal event in my life would not be something I would like to change...and that is meeting my husband. The man I am still in love with to this very day after 21 years of being together. I met him through the college I attended. One that I never wanted to attend but did so at the urging of my parents. Agreeing to give them just one year at the school of their choice. If I didn't like it there I could go to the university of my choice. I did what they requested and this altered my life. Dramatically, to one that I would never have predicted. But one that I would never give up. I love the life we have created together. However, there will always be a special part in my heart for some unresolved issues from my past. It is amazing how many people come and go in the course of our lives and not even remain as a memory. Yet others leave marks in our hearts that will never leave.

Getting married. Not. Then yes again...

Aren't you happy for a friend when the announce their engagement? Of course. In fact, you try to make every part of this special event memorable. You wonder what the rush is or why there is an apparent competition with others either getting married or just recently married. But, non the less you smile when all the details are being revealed. Finally the engagement party is planned. You round up your co-workers to "do the right thing" even though the recipient is not the most liked person in the office. In fact, she is quite disliked. Anyway, you collect quite a bit of money. With the money we get a nice suite for them to spend the night (an escape from the "ready made" family), an extremely romantic basket is made to enhance the evening and the balance of the money is given to the couple to assist in planning of this wedding (as it was made quite clear that they needed the money). Their engagement party was unusual to say the least, neither family had anything to do with the other and the co-workers were not acknowledged by anybody including the "groom-to-be" (who I might add is friends with at least half of us). We all leave the party with a strange feeling.
We soon notice that the friend is no longer wearing the engagement ring. Upon probing a little by her closest friends, we discover that the wedding is off. Over time, we realise that the gifts are not being returned as etiquette requires. The room was wasted (we are not sure to this day if they even went that night)and the money was gone. Not another word is said regarding the wedding.
Time passed, but not a lot when not only does she have a new boyfriend. But now she is living with him. Within 6 months from the first wedding date planned, the announcement comes that she is engaged again. To this new boyfriend. Shock and dismay run through the office since last anyone knew she threw this boyfriend out and was no longer with him. And the ring (if at all even real-we are all a little unsure)looks like the one from the first fiancee.
The dilemma is now this: Do you give another gift when the engagement party is announced? Nobody wants to waste their money again even if it is wrong to penalize the new "groom-to-be". But as the old saying goes: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". What is the proper thing to do?