I am never allowed to be anything but "strong". I face a very scary thing every 6 months, but I can never show just how scared I really am. Anybody who really knows me knows that I have only ONE fear in life. I don't want to go through what my sister did and lose the battle that she did 9 years ago. But the worst part is the necessity to protect my family. I shelter my parents because they have already suffered the hardest thing in life, burying a child. They go into "panic" mode when it comes to these tests. Luckily, I have managed to have lesser issues, but issues none the less. My mother has pulled off the road hysterically crying thinking about losing another child. My father, will move heaven and earth to do what he can to get the best care. He actually made a place stay open waiting for me to get a special biopsy. He is great, but makes it very tense sometimes. My husband, always a pillar of strength weakens at the thought of losing me. My son luckily knows little of whats going on, he is still young enough to distract. But not for much longer, he has started to ask stressful questions. So, as you can see I need to not show my fears because this is the foundation I am working with. The very first time I showed a little fear and it became chaos. So now, I hide it. But that doesn't mean I am not scared. My anxiety level is elevated. I can get cranky, impatient and even nasty sometimes. It all revolves around my fear. So, I will apologize if I have wronged anybody. I don't mean to be like that, I strike out sometimes out of frustration for having to be the way I do for everybody else.
